Love them — (Note sarcasm) Hate them is more like it. However we need them from time to time. Since January my life has been a living hell. Really I thought I’d have a job by now – I really did – I didn’t think it would be this hard to find a new job. I don’t know what I am doing wrong if I am or if it’s just that I need to be doing something other than what I am doing. The problem is I just don’t know, that I think is why I”m having such a hard time. I’ve been working full time all my life since I was 16 that’s almost 30 years now and for the last year (almost) I haven’t been. I feel guilty I feel not needed I feel like I’m letting my family down and really it’s getting me so down that I feel worthless. I’ve told my Mary Kay director a few times that I”m feeling so over whelmed and it’s all my feelings of being inadequate for my family. I feel like I’m letting so many people down. I feel like such a looser.
So earlier last week my director asked me if I was coming to this event with a speaker, she felt that what he had to say would help me (yes in her words) with getting my head around things. I can’t really explain it but it wasn’t motivational speaking, it wasn’t training – Mary Kay wise anyways – it was life coaching or life training I guess you could say. The speaker was Larry DiAngi, I’ve never heard of him before but he is very popular among the Mary Kay director circles. To be honest I wasn’t all that impressed with him – I really hate to say it because well if Mary Kay directors really look up to what he has to say then there has to be something about him right – so I listened I took some notes and I bought a couple of books so I can read thru them and hopefully find what everyone was talking about. He said a lot of things that really jumped out at me but nothing that really made me feel that I had gotten my money’s worth has of yet. Then almost to the end he handed out a worksheet — it had a bunch of aspects of our lives – “Where you live” Your family, your children, your marriage how you bring in money, your Mary Kay business etc 21 in all – and we were to read them and the first word that hit us we were to write down. He had a list of 8 words peace, freedom, love, hope, fear, restriction, hate and frustration. Of course the first four are positive and the second four are negative – well frustration, he said, really isn’t negative it could be positive too. By doing this worksheet we would be able to see where the places in our lives we needed to improve on – to do research and fix them. So in looking at them 13 had a “negative” word after them, 5 had positive and 3 had “frustrated” and I”m not sure if it’s negative or positive. So this really tells me that I have a lot of work to do in my life.
So today in church we were talking about a scripture in Psalm 139:23 & 24 – basically it says “Search me O god and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” So I came home from church and said a little prayer basically saying this scripture and I kept getting the thought to read that list from yesterday again. So I’m taking that to mean I need to focus on the negativity and get it out of my life. There are certain things I can’t fix right now – like where we live — yes I hate it here and really we can’t change it but my attitude about the place can change. I can make our home better. I realize this place is a stepping stone and eventually we will be in a different place hopefully not an apartment – there are things that need to be done in this apartment – we need to have a garage sale and get rid of a lot of the stuff that is just sitting there taking up room that could be sold or donated, I dunno maybe I’ll just get rid of them all and donate it all – that will save me lots of time and worry about selling stuff —